This Is What We Do Instead of Rules

Why principles work better - and what they actually look like at home.

This is the second part of my musings on Rules within the home - jump back to Part 1 if you haven’t already read it ⬇️

But when it comes to actually implementing a change (whether it be big or small) - this is where we can freeze and feel stuck (or, go balls to the wall and burn it all down!)

→ In this post, we’ll cover:
• How to drop rules one by one (without burning it all down)
• Step-by-step: how to drop a rule in the moment
• Scroll to the end for a free downloadable checklist of these steps to keep on hand

So here’s what to do instead:

SHIFTING TO PRINCIPLES

At this stage, the idea of releasing rules could seem very alluring and exciting. It might sound absolutely absurd (maybe you’ve already skipped to the next chapter). Or you might see the promise within it but not know how to bring it into your family and home. And while the idea of burning it all down and starting from scratch may be enticing (I know this is how I like to do things in life!), it likely isn’t the most sensible; when we’ve been running our family in a particular way for any length of time, things become familiar - even if they aren’t exactly how we want them to be, familiarity will always trump our subconscious and our nervous system. So burning the rule book might be too much too soon.

Instead, consider dropping one rule at a time.

1. Start by writing down all the rules you can think of for each situation in your family, for meal times, for getting ready, for play, for screens, bedtime, everything you can think of. This might take time, and may need to be a living document as more rules may pop up as time goes on.

2. See if you can highlight, or identify, which rules cause the most discomfort in your home - the most kick back, or ones that don’t really sit that well with you.

3. Pick one of these rules, and ask yourself: Why do we have this rule? Continue to ask why, until you get to the guiding force behind it. We need the guiding force in order to determine - is this part of our family kaupapa, or just something we’ve reflexively instilled.

4. It’s at this point that you can determine:

   1. If it’s a rule you want to keep

   2. If it’s a rule that you can drop entirely, or

   3. If it’s a space for a principle.

Here’s an example:

Rule: Toys stay in the playroom (or designated area)

Problem: Constant redirecting, arguments, have to constantly pick up toys and return them, feeling like a broken record.

Why do we have this rule? To keep the house tidy.

Why is that important? Because clutter overwhelms me.

Why? Because I feel like I can’t relax in a mess.

Why? Because I associate mess with chaos or being “out of control.”

Guiding force identified: The parent’s need for calm, control, and regulated space.
Reflection: The rule isn’t wrong — but it’s rooted in the parent’s sensory and emotional needs, not in any moral absolute.

Decision: Keep a version of the rule, but turn it into a principle: “We all deserve space that helps us feel calm and safe.” Now the rule can evolve into shared strategies and rhythms for tidying together, rather than a hard boundary kids don’t understand.

DROPPING A RULE IN THE MOMENT

Whilst I don’t advise this too often - simply because principles and kaupapa are best crafted with intentional thinking - there are times that you may find yourself about to remind your children of a rule and realise that actually, maybe we don’t need this. You CAN drop a rule in the moment - you may not have time to run through all the “why” questions, but you may see quite clearly that this rule is something you have instilled just because it’s a rule you had.

STEPS:

1. Pause Before Reacting
   Notice the impulse to enforce a rule. Instead of automatically correcting, take a breath and ask internally:
   → “Do I really care about this right now?”
   → “Is this rule still serving us?”
   

2. Scan for the Real Harm
   Ask: Is anyone being harmed? Is anything genuinely unsafe or disrespectful?
   If not, there may be room for flexibility.
   

3. Acknowledge the Shift (Optional but helpful)
   Say something like:
   → “You know what? I used to say no to that, but I think it might be okay actually.”
   → “I’m realising that rule doesn’t feel right for us anymore.”
   

4. Observe What Happens Next
   Watch your child’s response. Often, without pressure, they self-regulate or engage more meaningfully. Let it be an experiment.
   

5. Revisit Later if Needed
   Reflect on what came up. You may want to form a new principle later, or simply let that rule fade away.
   

Example:

“We don’t talk back.”

Your child responds sharply or questions your decision. You're about to scold them for "backchat," but then pause.

Why do you have this rule? Because it feels disrespectful for a child to speak to an adult in a certain way.

Reality check: They're expressing disagreement or big emotion, not attacking you. Maybe they haven’t been modeled or given the language to communicate in a more respectful way, or maybe they haven’t been heard previously so they go in on the offence.

In-the-moment shift:
→ “Hmm. I don’t love how that sounded, but I get that you’re upset. Let’s talk about it.”
You drop the rule against “backtalk” and open the door to communication — even if it’s messy.

🌟 Circle Back Later:
Once the situation is over and everyone is regulated, come back to it as a family. You might say:
→ “Remember earlier when things got heated? I want us all to feel safe to speak up — and I also want us to try to speak with kindness. Maybe we can figure out what that looks like together.”

You’re not enforcing a rule — you’re co-creating a principle like:
“In our family, it’s okay to disagree — and we try to do it in ways that are kind and respectful.”

This teaches emotional intelligence, not obedience.

Parenting without rigid rules doesn’t mean chaos - it means trust, reflection, and co-creating a home where everyone’s needs matter. When we guide from principles instead of control, we teach our children not just to follow directions, but to understand, care, and lead with intention. These will look different for every family, and that is by and large the entire point. Because when we operate from our core kaupapa - that is when we are truly living authentically and empowered!

TLDR, grab the download / quick guide for shifting from rules to principles

Thanks for reading all the way to the end - I know these are big ideas, and I’m so glad you're here exploring them with me. Let’s keep making home a space where everyone feels safe, seen, and respected - including you.

Amy x